31 Suggestions For A Safe & Happy Halloween
10-31-2006 | 11:59 AM
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Joined: 09-09-2006
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From: Fresno, California (formerly of Modesto, Ca. -- hometown of George Lucas, formerly of Winnipeg, Mb.)
31 Suggestions For A Safe & Happy Halloween
When it appears that you have killed the monster, never get within arms reach to check to see if it's dead. A rifle shot to the head from 5 feet away should do the trick.
NEVER read ancient script on an item aloud, unless you're absolutely sure you know what it does.
NEVER EVER read a book of demon summoning aloud, not even as a joke.
Do NOT search the basement, under any circumstances, especially if the power has gone out. Also, stay out of the attic. Nuthin in there but dust, cobwebs and creepy things.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, kill them immediately. It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone. In fact, kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open the portals to Hell.
If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, Indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, DO NOT do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.
Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Ladies: Quick Tip- REMOVE your high heels BEFORE running. I know the ground is hard/cold/sticky/ all of the above, but it's better than a broken ankle.
Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
If you see your friend, and he/she looks scared, DO NOT sneak up behind them and put your hand on their shoulder. Sure it's a good laugh for the moment, but it won't be so funny when it happens to you and it turns out to not be your friend at all.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, multilevel marketing, and so on, kill them immediately.
If you're walking forward, be sure to glance backwards every now and then. Also, it's best if you DON'T walk backwards into a room or down a hall. ALWAYS face the direction you're moving.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street , Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine .
Always check the back seat of your car.
If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it’s strange because you thought you had ¾ of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely while being eaten alive.
If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
If you enter a house and a disembodied voice tells you to "GET OUT," Listen to the helpful voice and leave.
Creepy old houses, campsites, or castles are never good places for a party.
If you have a dog, and it won't enter some place (ie. house, bedroom, garage, cave, etc.) Don't force your poor pooch to go in, and definitely don't leave your dog out and go in by yourself. Listen to your pal and leave with him. Maybe go to a nice park and play some catch... - Also, if your dog barks at someone or something, especially after you've told your pup to SHUT UP, don't just ignore it... Your dog is trying to tell you something... maybe now would be a good time to go to the park...play some catch.
For you cat lovers, if you see a cat hiding, DO NOT try to coax it out. There's a reason it's hiding. Cats can fend for themselves and most of the time, if crazy **** is going down, they know about it, and even more likely, they are probably in cahoots. Don't play their game!
Beware of strangers bearing strange tools, (i.e., chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from their deceased, previous companions).
If anyone offers you $1,000,000 to simply stay a night in a house. Just leave and go buy a lottery ticket. Your chances of winning the lottery are slightly higher than your chances of living through the night.
Always wear Garlic to bed and have a wooden stake handy. Also keep a sterling silver cross, and a gun loaded with silver bullets under your pillow. Wearing a steel neck collar wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.
If you ever do encounter yourself in one or more of these unfortunate situations and you make it out alive by using my guide, please drop me a line and let me know about it. If for some reason these tips should fail you and you die a horrible death... well…sorry bout your luck.
Disclaimer: These suggestions are just suggestions and should not be taken literally, illiterally or orally. We and our affiliates are not responsible for any damage, arrest, murder, lawsuit, injury or death resulting from adherence to any of these suggestions. These suggestions are presented AS IS and do not come with any expressed or implied warranty. Please do NOT try this at home. If you do, make sure there is a responsible adult supervising. And heed the words of Gorky the Cyclops “Always remember to wear Safety Goggles.”
NEVER read ancient script on an item aloud, unless you're absolutely sure you know what it does.
NEVER EVER read a book of demon summoning aloud, not even as a joke.
Do NOT search the basement, under any circumstances, especially if the power has gone out. Also, stay out of the attic. Nuthin in there but dust, cobwebs and creepy things.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, kill them immediately. It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone. In fact, kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open the portals to Hell.
If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, Indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, DO NOT do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.
Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Ladies: Quick Tip- REMOVE your high heels BEFORE running. I know the ground is hard/cold/sticky/ all of the above, but it's better than a broken ankle.
Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
If you see your friend, and he/she looks scared, DO NOT sneak up behind them and put your hand on their shoulder. Sure it's a good laugh for the moment, but it won't be so funny when it happens to you and it turns out to not be your friend at all.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, multilevel marketing, and so on, kill them immediately.
If you're walking forward, be sure to glance backwards every now and then. Also, it's best if you DON'T walk backwards into a room or down a hall. ALWAYS face the direction you're moving.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street , Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine .
Always check the back seat of your car.
If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it’s strange because you thought you had ¾ of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely while being eaten alive.
If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
If you enter a house and a disembodied voice tells you to "GET OUT," Listen to the helpful voice and leave.
Creepy old houses, campsites, or castles are never good places for a party.
If you have a dog, and it won't enter some place (ie. house, bedroom, garage, cave, etc.) Don't force your poor pooch to go in, and definitely don't leave your dog out and go in by yourself. Listen to your pal and leave with him. Maybe go to a nice park and play some catch... - Also, if your dog barks at someone or something, especially after you've told your pup to SHUT UP, don't just ignore it... Your dog is trying to tell you something... maybe now would be a good time to go to the park...play some catch.
For you cat lovers, if you see a cat hiding, DO NOT try to coax it out. There's a reason it's hiding. Cats can fend for themselves and most of the time, if crazy **** is going down, they know about it, and even more likely, they are probably in cahoots. Don't play their game!
Beware of strangers bearing strange tools, (i.e., chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from their deceased, previous companions).
If anyone offers you $1,000,000 to simply stay a night in a house. Just leave and go buy a lottery ticket. Your chances of winning the lottery are slightly higher than your chances of living through the night.
Always wear Garlic to bed and have a wooden stake handy. Also keep a sterling silver cross, and a gun loaded with silver bullets under your pillow. Wearing a steel neck collar wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.
If you ever do encounter yourself in one or more of these unfortunate situations and you make it out alive by using my guide, please drop me a line and let me know about it. If for some reason these tips should fail you and you die a horrible death... well…sorry bout your luck.
Disclaimer: These suggestions are just suggestions and should not be taken literally, illiterally or orally. We and our affiliates are not responsible for any damage, arrest, murder, lawsuit, injury or death resulting from adherence to any of these suggestions. These suggestions are presented AS IS and do not come with any expressed or implied warranty. Please do NOT try this at home. If you do, make sure there is a responsible adult supervising. And heed the words of Gorky the Cyclops “Always remember to wear Safety Goggles.”
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